Aftermath Of Suicide
In Time Of Grief, Those Left Behind Seek Support And Work For Prevention

Wisconsin State Journal :: DAYBREAK :: B1

Monday, November 17, 2003
Susan Conlin Opheim

More than 20 years ago, my life and the life of my family was changed forever. My brother Bill, who was 28 years old, took his life in our family home. My daughter was there mowing the lawn for her grandfather. Another brother was due within 30 minutes to spend the afternoon with Bill.

He was suffering from severe depression with some psychosis, which was the result of his bipolar illness. We never understood the dangers of suicide in this part of his illness.

Actually, we never really understood his illness. Or maybe it was the denial that comes when we think of suicide. We were just taking turns spending time with him until the new medication could relieve him of his current symptoms. He had been successfully treated with medication and therapy for eight years, and we had no reason to believe he would not be able to return to work and to his busy life with the change in treatment.

We wanted him to know we would be there with him in these dark times. We had no idea just how dark they were. It has been said that people complete suicide not to end their lives but to end the pain they are in.

The pain of that loss was both physical and emotional. Tears were my constant companions. The days, weeks, months and years were spent trying to find answers to how we could have let this happen both to my brother and to my daughter.

The questions were constant and they would wear you out. Combine this with the sadness over the loss of my brother and how it was affecting the other family members and things were pretty chaotic. I have to chuckle as I write this because that is like saying, "We had a little storm," when, in fact, it felt like we had been through a tornado.

We were able to make it through because we have a large close family and they were there for us within minutes and stayed with us through many of the rough times. I had a friend who had known Bill and our family and was as eager to make sense of what had happened as I was. We talked daily. Not everyone in our family wanted to talk.

We were able to remember his birthday and the anniversary of his death with Masses said in his memory. I remember a friend asking, "How many Masses would it take to get him to heaven?" I assured her that he was already there and we were going to church to remember him and to pray for ourselves. It was always helpful to have the priest look out into our crowd and talk about our pain out loud.

This grief was taking much longer than I thought it would.

At the one-year mark, I felt like I had worn my friend out, so I joined a support group at the Mental Health Center of Dane County. I was still a wreck. The first meeting was a relief to see that the people in the group were all "normal."

It was a relief to find people who were willing to talk about my pain and confusion. All of my questions hadn't been answered to my satisfaction. It was helpful to get other points of view by listening and sharing. I remember Jeanne Adams, the facilitator, talking about feeling "raw." She described how I felt better than anyone else had been able to.

I felt raw. When people did nice things for me, I was so touched, and when they hurt me, I was so distraught. I felt so vulnerable. My life was out of control and so was I. I would leave the support group and encounter a new problem and return.

Finally, after three years of participating in the group, I asked if they would keep me as a facilitator. It has been a very special journey for me, sharing stories and experiences with a variety of people.

I am constantly amazed at the resiliency and courage of my fellow survivors. We give each other courage to make it another hour, another day, another week and another month.

I went to conferences about suicide from one side of the country to the other. I wanted to know what was being done about this evil force that had entered our lives and turned them upside down.

As I traveled to these gatherings, I noticed the mood of the conferences started to change about nine years ago. That's when some of the survivors decided something had to be done to prevent suicides and they were going to do it. Some survivors were finding that their healing was helped by helping other people overcome their grief or by preventing suicides.

I met Pat Derer and Tina Neupert, two women who had lost loved ones. We traveled together to Washington, D.C., to see what was going on. We returned to Madison and gathered at the kitchen table, resolving to make a difference for Wisconsin families.

Each year we now have an Annual Walk for Awareness of Suicide and Depression to raise awareness and money for educational efforts that we provide year round throughout the state. We started a non-profit group called Helping Others Prevent and Educate about Suicide (HOPES).

Because of the national efforts by survivors to reach out to other survivors, the Mental Health Center is partnering with HOPES to bring survivors from Wisconsin together with survivors from around the United States through a National Survivors Day Teleconference. It will be a mixture of meeting other survivors from our area, joining the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention for the National Survivors Day event and hearing the stories of fellow survivors.

Our hope is that the power of healing that comes from the support groups will be felt as we come together nationally.

There is a national movement of recovery from the dark veil of silence and the shame that the secrets of the past have left us with in regard to suicide. We are coming together to heal and support one another in a safe and compassionate environment.

Together we know we can heal and make a difference in the lives of others. Suicide looks different today and we are out to spread the word and save lives through research, prevention, treatment and support.

By the numbers

Susan Conlin Opheim stresses these points about suicide prevention:

* Suicide is complex.

* It is a problem. (She points out that in Wisconsin in 2000, 588 deaths were by suicide, 175 by homicide and 67 by HIV/AIDS.)

* It is preventable.

According to the National Strategy for Suicide Prevention 2001:

* 90 percent of the people who die of suicide have a mental illness or substance abuse problem.

* 37-60 percent have a mood disorder such as depression.

* 85-90 percent of depression can be treated successfully.

Event focuses on suicide's survivors

* What: About 30,000 suicides are reported each year, making it the 11th leading cause of death in the United States. The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP) estimates there are 8 million survivors of those who have died by suicide. Of those, the foundation expects to reach about 5,000 on Saturday - the fifth annual National Survivors of Suicide Day - through a live satellite broadcast and Webcast linking more than 50 cities, including Madison.

* When: 9:30 a.m. to 3 p.m., with satellite presentation from 11 a.m. to 12:45 p.m., followed by lunch and a discussion with Madison-area survivors.

* Where: St. Mary's Hospital, Assembly Hall, 707 S. Mills St.

* Registration: $10, including lunch, is preferred by Tuesday to Vicki Westrich, Mental Health Center of Dane County Inc., 625 W. Washington Ave., Madison, Wis. 53703. The Madison program is co-sponsored by the center and HOPES of Wisconsin (Helping Others Prevent & Educate about Suicide).

* Information: Call Westrich at 608-280-2600. Details on the national program are available through the AFSP, www.afsp.org and 1-888-333-2377.