Guidelines for Immediate Help From Close Friends in the Aftermath of a Suicide

Everyone handles grief in his own way. It is a very personal thing. A mother, a father, a brother or sister, grandparents, aunts, uncles, friends and neighbors. Each will grieve individually. It is helpful to keep this in mind.

When there is a death of a loved one by suicide, be aware that there will be a depth and range of feelings. It is important to honor and respect the needs of the survivors in the days, weeks and months following the suicide. Often you may feel helpless in this situation.

This list may prove to be helpful to you in understanding those things which may be comforting and those things which may not be helpful to the family. Some of these suggestions pertain to immediate needs–others are suggestions for the following weeks and months.

DON'T:

• Assume you know best.

• Tell the person you "know how they feel" if you don't. (Make comparisons, i.e., "I know how you feel because my Mother, Father, etc. died").

• Tell them what to feel. Allow them to feel what they are feeling, when they are feeling it.

• Try to explain or change those feelings so that you are more comfortable, (i.e., pain, anger).

• Treat them as though they don't have sense enough to make decisions or understand what they are being told.

• Preach to them. If religion plays an important part in their lives, they will draw strength from it when they need it.

• Tell them it is God's will.

• Tell the person to call you if they need anything, anytime - unless you are prepared for a 3:00 AM phone call.

• Try pushing anything at them that will help to quiet them, such as drinks, medications, etc. If medication is necessary, let a trained person do it.

• Ask about things such as running errands, laundry, etc. JUST DO IT.

• Try to stop them from talking about their loved one. *Remove tasks, responsibilities or activities from them without their permission. They may wish to remain involved in those things which they feel they can handle.

• Stop seeing them.

• Tell them what you would do or how you would feel if you were them. YOU'RE NOT.

• Make the loved one's name taboo. If no one speaks his/her name, it feels as though everyone wants to forget the person existed.

• Alter his/her room in any way. Do not pick up clothes or clean the room. When the family is ready, they will take care of this in their own way or ask for help, if needed.

• Let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved family.

• Try to find something positive (i.e., a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc.) about the person's death.

• Make any comments which in any way suggest that the care at home, or in the hospital emergency room, or wherever, was inadequate. (Families are plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt without any help from others).