Permit Me

Permit me if you will, if I don't join the fun

And don't play just now

While you drive your drive

And live your life

Take your vacation

Marry your love

Birth your babe

I don't want to play just now

I've something in my eye

It's a tear

I've just lost my big brother

He was just here

Let me tell you about him if you will

He had just come back

He was gone awhile

He had just come back and so had I

He told me that he loved me

And you know? I know he did

After so many years

He came back to see me one more time

Go and do your work

Write your report

And play your play

I don't want to play just now

I will again, but you go on without me for now

For now just do without me a moment, won't you?

While I take my break

But you, you go and construct your bridge

And put in your bid

And feed your dog and bake your cake

I need to pause and think and cry

Permit me a moment

I don't want to play just now

I need to find out and manage and remember

To understand something I cannot just yet

And find my way with my family

We don't want to play just now

My big brother is gone in too quick a time

So permit me if you will to take a moment and breathe and sigh and cry

I don't want you to see me like this right now

I want to pound my fist like a little boy

Because I can't have my way just now

And stamp my feet and shake my hand

And demand

I want my big brother back, now!

He was always my big brother, my hero

And he still is as he always will be

But I don't want to play just now

Because I miss his laugh, his love, his eye, his big heart

Big and tough on the outside; soft and warm on the inside

I've been here and there and met a lot of folk

In places far, far from here, both hot and cold

And I have never met another quite like him

No not quite like him, no not even close to come to think of it as I sit here and gaze

No, go on, it's ok, I'm alright

I don't want to play just now if you don't mind

I'm thinking of his call, his joke, his hug, his voice

I don't want to play just now

This inside ache starting from my heart and going right down into my gut right here

Is making me pause and stop and rest and see that

I miss my big brother

I'm too busy to play just now

I'm listening to his voice

I'm hearing his laughter covering up his tears

I'm too sad to play just now

I reached out my hand just now when he got back

But it wasn't far enough

I wanted to stretch my fingers out just a little bit more and hold onto him

And pull him onto my side to stay forever right here

For another big brother hug, another joke, to feel his big brother arm around me,

To rub my head and teach me more than he already had over the years

You know something I've learned? Do you wanna know?

Come closer, I'll tell you something I've discovered, it's a secret so don't tell anyone

Shhhhh, be quiet for just a moment and I'll tell you how it is

When I close my eyes I can snap my fingers and he's back here alive again

Don't you wish you could do that?

Bring him here again

Standing and joking and loving right before me

But I open my eyes and see that it doesn't work that way

So excuse me if you will, you do your thing, go on, and go ahead, I'll be right there

But for now, just permit me a moment if you will

This will take not too long, but for now, just now

I don't want to play just now

Greg Converse

April 26, 2002